.......of it all.
I haven't posted for quite some time due to personal problems, I was trying to work out but today my 14th wedding anniversery I'm officially throwing in the towel. My wife, back in Febuary, was kind enough to send me a "Dear Joe" email while she was in Toronto for work. I knew things weren't good but I didn't know they were at that state. I have to admit that for the last 5 years I've been a handful to be with due to the whole Watts thing, but I was fighting for my fucking survival and was not getting any help from ANYONE. Maybe that's my fault for thinking no one would understand my position and I still feel the normal friend would not understand my fucked up feelings and the mind fucking I was going through on a daily basis because of it all. It's so fucking hard to explian to someone the personal battle I had with Watt's and the promise I had made to myself, the victims and their families. The mental breakdown I was going through on a daily basis was fucking overwhelming to the point I just did not give a fuck about myself anymore. There were a few times I came close but never could do it, be it because of family, scared or whatever I backed down and walked away. I went to a specialist for what they said I had "Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome" but after a few visits I could just not afford it anymore. Plus after an hour of baring my fucking soul I walked out of his office feeling so confused and no where to turn.
Yes, I know all I did was witness a murder almost 30 years ago but it's not just the act. It was the whole fucking experience that did it and I know exactly when the bottom fell out. The week prior to taping the "Montel Williams Show" I recieved a call from some reporter asking for a phone interview, I obliged and during the course of the call he asked me " Do you know Mr. Foy if you would of stopped him that night close to 100 women would still be alive today? Do you ever think about that?" I slammed the phone down and the seed was planted. Now before that call I truly never thought that but since that moment I haven't stopped. I know I did the right thing that night but still.................
Then the day it hit me was in New York when we were taping the show. I was sitting in the green room waiting to come on stage for the Montel show and I watched the monitor as the start of the show was rolling. After the normal intro they started to roll the tease for the Watts show. Let it be known I had shielded myself from all court documents, pictures up to this point and what I saw on the monitor destroyed me. There were pictures of the crime scenes of these beautiful women's bodies half clothed, bloody and laying in bushes, dumpsters, yards wherever they took their last breaths. Please be aware that after spending so much time with all the victims families the way I did and getting to know the victims via the strories the families told me, I knew all of these women. As the story rolled I felt a fire rush through my body and the emotion rush to my head till I was flooded with uncontrolable tears. The thoughts were running 100 mph through my mind " I COULD OF FUCKING STOPPED THAT CARNAGE!!" That was it folks the begining of the end. As I write this I have to hold back the tears from flowing. That is why I can't stand talking about the whole thing due to the fact I'm so scared that once the emoitions start I won't be able to stop or control them and I'll finally break.
Back to present day, my wife 0f 14 years, together almost 20, I guess is done with me. She filed for divorce and our first legal hearing is this Monday. Just after the above mentioned breakdown I went into a slide that had me so fucked up to the point that I didn't take care of my responsibilities as far as paying things. Our house went into forclousure and we had to settle out out 401k's to get out of it and since then I still have not recovered and she hasn't let me forget it. If it was up to her I should of walked away from the whole thing like nothing ever happened, just not that easy. This is coming from a women that couldn't stand being on the witness stand 5 minutes with out being a basket case and she thinks I should be able to just "drop it".
This morning I held out the olive branch for the last time by buying her flowers and a card for our anniversery. I found them both in the garbage when I woke up. I'm so truly sorry to her and my family for all of the crap I put them through but I did not ask for this. I wish I could just "walk away' from it, "put it behind me" but I can't. I must say I feel a whole lot better now that I know he is getting what he truly deserves, hells' hottest flames but still he has survivors and I happen to be one of them. I do not want this divorce and I wish with all my nheart I was important enough to her to being willing to stand with me and make it work. I was so looking forward to growing old with her, she is the last person I wanted to see as I died. This is truly going to kill me, she was my best friend once and still think we could work it out but I guess too much scar tissue. So even after he's been dead a year he's stll piling up victims.....now it's my family.
